After more than 25 years as a mental health counselor, I’ve gone to countless training sessions. One that really stands out is a class I attended at my alma mater, The University of Central Florida (UCF). Believe it or not, they offer a 15-credit hour masters level graduate certificate in gifted education. In the class they stated that the bell curve of learning, which includes gifted students, indicates an increased need for services on this far right extreme. While the average range captures the middle 68% of the population, giftedness begins where the curve tapers off. Working with these students completely debunks the myth that being smart makes everything easy.
The reality is that a high IQ doesn’t always equal high emotional regulation. In fact, it usually doesn’t. Gifted students experience development that is often out of sync. While the prefrontal cortex and cognitive processing is racing at 100 mph, the “brakes” are on due to the limbic system and emotional regulation occurring at a standard or even delayed pace.
There are entire books written on the subject of emotional intensity of gifted kids and that is another factor. Because gifted students process information deeply and see patterns others miss, their feelings have an intensity that can be a challenge both for them and their teachers and caregivers. A minor criticism isn’t just a comment; it is analyzed, deconstructed and felt with an intensity that can overwhelm their ability to self-soothe.
Perfectionism and fear of failure is a huge issue for gifted students. If things have always come easily, the first “hard” task can feel like a crisis of identity. I tell many middle school gifted students that their peers have a jump on them of nearly ten years in dealing with failure, or at least the idea that they have to develop study habits and work for things. Many gifted students sail through elementary school only to have their first real challenge in middle school.
Social isolation is another issue gifted students struggle with, sometimes throughout their life span. Finding “peers” can be difficult when their interests don’t align with children their own age. And it is not a choice, but a byproduct of a specialized brain trying to communicate with a world built for the “middle” of the bell curve. Socializing with same-age peers can feel like speaking a different language. And the gifted students’ interests or intensity may be seen as “weird” by other children in their age bracket.
So how can you help your gifted child?
- Praise Effort, Not Intellect: Shift the focus from “you’re so smart” to “I love how hard you worked on that.”
- Offer a Safe Space to Fail: Encourage low-stakes hobbies where they aren’t naturally the best.
- Seek Like-Minded Communities: Mention the importance of finding”intellectual peers.” Mensa is an international high-IQ society. They offer a free online challenge to see if a child might meet their requirements. Some children may have friends a few years older them which can help.
SO we can see that giftedness is a special education need, not just a badge of honor. For many, the word ‘gifted’ sounds like a compliment. But for the child sitting at the back of the classroom feeling profoundly misunderstood, it can often feel like a burden they weren’t prepared to carry. And for a parent struggling to set guidelines and manage behaviors at home, giftedness can feel like a strain and it can be hard to explain why parenting feels so difficult and exhausting.
When a child is gifted, the goal isn’t to “fix” their brain, but to help them navigate a world that isn’t always built for their pace. Here is how you can provide that support:
- Normalize the “Struggle”: Gifted children often tie their self-worth to being “the smart one.” When they hit a wall, it can trigger a shame spiral. Counteract this by intentionally introducing “growth mindset” language. Instead of saying, “You’re so naturally talented,” try, “I’m impressed by how you stuck with that problem even when it got frustrating.”
- Bridge the Asynchrony Gap: Remember that your child is essentially multiple ages at once. They may be 10 years old intellectually but 6 years old emotionally. When they have a meltdown over a “small” issue, resist the urge to say, “You’re too smart to act like this.” Instead, meet them at their emotional age at that moment with comfort and co-regulation.
- Foster “Intellectual Peers”: Age-mates aren’t always soul-mates. A gifted child may feel lonely in a classroom of kids their own age. Help them find “intellectual peers” through specialized clubs (like robotics, chess, or creative writing) where the shared interest matters more than the birth year.
- Prioritize Emotional Intelligence (EQ): Because their “IQ” is so high, their “EQ” can sometimes be neglected. Spend time labeling emotions and practicing social cues. Use books or movies to discuss characters’ feelings, helping them apply their analytical skills to the world of human connection.
- Set the “Good Enough” Standard: Many gifted children struggle with toxic perfectionism. Model healthy failure yourself. If you make a mistake in the kitchen or get lost driving, narrate your process: “I’m frustrated that I missed that turn, but it’s okay; I’ll just find another route.” This shows them that mistakes are ordinary occurrences, not disasters.
If you are a parent of a gifted child, please reach out, I’d love to help your family embrace your giftedness!